by Jennifer Ryan
My son, A-bug, goes to Mother’s Day Out twice a week. Every day that he has school, A-bug makes the morning an absolute shit show. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m distracted getting everything together, so he goes berserk. His actions seem to say, “I knew you’d have your morning free, so I felt compelled to destroy the house because I thought you’d need something to do. I’m doing this for you Mommy.”
Today was no exception. As I was busy making A-bug’s lunch, I heard him say, “Mommy, come see.” This statement always spells disaster because he usually wants me to see him do something that he isn’t supposed to do. Yup. He had pulled all of the cushions off the sofa. He then announced that he had pooped in his Pull-Up but ran away before I could catch him. I spent the next ten minutes chasing him through the house, so I could change his diaper.
I went upstairs to the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. Asher appeared next to me, and he was naked. Yes, he had removed his Pull-Up. Yes, he was completely naked. His feet were apart. His knees were bent. He began swaying his hips forward and backward, while he spanked his own naked ass. I can’t tell you how my heart swelled with maternal pride at the sight of my only son spanking his naked rear end. My mind reeled at the future implications of this singular incident. I immediately pictured a young man in his mid-twenties. He’s handing fifty dollars to a dominatrix dressed in a patent leather dress. She pulls a paddle from her purse, shoves a gimp ball in his mouth, throws him against a wall, and begins whacking his backside. I cleared this thought from my head and told myself it was just a phase.
After I wrestled the Pull-Up onto his body again, I finished getting ready. I could hear him dragging out his toys. “A-bug,” I yelled, “We’re leaving in ten minutes. Don’t you dare drag out your blocks.” Of course, I heard his entire box of building blocks topple seconds later. Our living room was a complete mess, and he stood there laughing triumphantly. I still managed to get him to school on time. Maybe I’ll pick him up from school on time too. Or, maybe I’ll go to Vegas.